Women, don't be picky, just "marry him"

"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (Dutton Adult) is the title of New York Times best-selling author Lori Gottlieb. The book is an extended version of her March 2008 “Atlantic Monthly” article of the same title, which was the fourth most commented-on piece in the history of the magazine. What spurred that overwhelming response is that Gottlieb reflected on why she was not only a single mom (a sperm donor did the honors) but also unmarried in her early 40s, despite having numerous suitors in her 20s and 30s. Seeking advice from an array of experts – sociologists, behavioral economists, psychologists, etc – led her to the following conclusions: women are just too damn picky, feminism has no role in dating and well, whether or not most women admit it – marriage is ultimately the endgame.

We start with the title of Gottlieb's book: when most women hear the word “settle” they cringe because it conjures up images of well, “losers”. The American author nods in agreement and says, “I know, settling in our culture has a very negative connotation. I'm not suggesting that women settle with a guy who repulses them or one they have no passion with. What I'm saying instead is that women consider picking someone who doesn't meet everything on their checklist. In other words, that the guy has to be a certain height, have this or that job and income, look like Brad Pitt, be as funny as their favorite comic, romantic as they desire and so on. My point is that we have fixed ideas in our heads about who is Mr. Right, which more often than not have absolutely nothing to with common interests, goals or values. Therefore, I'm encouraging women to yes, not get 100 percent of what they want. Some may call that settling; others won't. I call it not only compromising, but also finding a great husband”.

In “Marry Him”, Gottlieb argues that women are simply “too picky”. “Insanely picky”, corrects Gottlieb. Emphasizing just how much, she tells us, “There's a survey in the book where men and women were asked: 'If you got 80 percent of all of your ideal traits in a partner would you be happy'? Ninety-three percent of women said, 'No, I wouldn't be happy with that. That's settling', whereas men said, '80 percent, that's a catch. I'd be thrilled'. This poses the following questions: is getting less than everything really settling and is getting less than everything really going to make us unhappy”? Gottlieb answers rhetorically, “The answer is no, it's not going to make us unhappy. In fact, the people who are happiest are those who have a lot of what they want, but not everything”.
Asking Gottlieb if she has a gripe with feminists to whom she dedicates an entire chapter entitled “How feminism has fucked up my life”, she says, “No, I don't have a gripe with feminism, but with what women attribute to feminism”. She explains: “They take the core ideas of feminism – of being self-sufficient and ‘empowerment' and apply them to their romantic lives. But that's antithetical to the whole idea of being in a relationship, which is about interdependence, vulnerability and sharing our lives with someone. Frankly speaking, feminism never said apply this or that to your dating life, but instead, focused on equal opportunity in the workplace and access to opportunities that were previously closed off to women. Feminism never said there's anything wrong with wanting a man”. Here Gottlieb shakes her head back and forth and exclaims unequivocally, “Feminism is not responsible for women who are unhappy with the state of their love lives; they are”!

Enquiring what foremost advice Gottlieb wishes to offer women regarding relationships and marriage, she says, “I would tell them to look for the important things in a partner and let go of the superficial ones that have nothing to do with whether the guy is going to make you happy. I'm not saying to let go of the fairytale. You can still have it, but it might just look a little bit different than how it looks in the movies or in your teenage dreams. I think if you can figure that out at 30 instead of 40 you're going to have a lot easier time finding someone now rather than later”.

“Marry Him: Settling for Mr. Good Enough” has gotten a lot of heated responses from women. Asking Gottlieb why her book leaves so many women fuming, she says, “Many women are upset with the title. I think that is because I'm saying, 'Hey, this whole idea of Mr. Right is absurd and women don't want to hear that. They consider that lowering their standard. This comes with the sense of entitlement that a lot of women have nowadays. They think they're so fabulous and that they have to find their equally fabulous male counterpart. That said, one of the things that I found so remarkable, but yet so simple, was when a dating coach asked me to write down all the things a guy would have to put up in order to spend the rest of his life with me. This exercise made me realize that I'm not so perfect and that I'm going to have to compromise. I think a lot of people don't grasp these two ‘realities'. In addition, given that I talk openly in the book about how lonely I've felt people cast me off as weak and needy. I believe they're consciously attempting to separate themselves from me because that helps them from taking a closer look at themselves and how they're getting in their own way in the dating world”. Gottlieb has been deemed “America's new marriage guru”. Asking her if that's a title she's comfortable with, she says, “The fact that Oprah says that makes me laugh. That said, I'm not the new marriage guru. I'm simply a single woman who happens to be a journalist”. The American writer pauses and then adds, “Who is giving women the information that I wish I had ten years ago”.